Something Someone Said

'Know Your Place'

This new section on my Substack: ‘Something Someone Said’ was inspired by something Riz Ahmed said in an interview for the FT a few months back. We’ve all been in that situation where we’ve overheard someone on the train and we’ve thought ‘I must remember that to say to doodah’ or a friend has said something in passing that you think ‘that was really thought provoking’ and end up recounting to others at a later date. It’s these conversations, overheard or not, that slowly form our memories, and dare I be so bold, perceptions of the world.

So kicking off with the first SSS, back to Riz Ahmed. During said interview he was asked by journalist Danny Leigh to comment on the difference between the culture in the UK versus the US. His response was something that profoundly grabbed my attention; that in the UK there’s a hidden mantra of ‘Know Your Place…’

As a British Asian, Riz Ahmed will have navigated a very different social script to me. His experience has been shaped by racism and mine hasn’t. The commonality between us is our age and that we grew up in London at the same time. And ‘Know Your Place,’ is a phrase that rings true with my upbringing too. Like many realisations about our pasts which, when they make themselves known hit you like an iron pan in the face, i found myself angry. I don’t know about you but it’s sometimes hard to pinpoint exactly what it was that made me feel inferior along the way. That’s because it’s cultural conditioning of this kind that got me to this point. It’s insidious. And it’s only when someone points it out plainly, that it all kind of makes sense - and the tumble weed of how we all become who we are starts to show itself.

I’m not sure anyone actually ever said ‘Know Your Place’ to me. But it’s been implied - work out your social position, stay in your lane, be a good girl, don’t question too much, ‘don’t swear darling, it’s unbecoming’, don’t think too big, don’t put on weight, definitely don’t wear that and whatever you do, don’t show off.

When I mentioned this to my Mum over dinner just the two of us, she was surprised, almost shocked that i felt this way. And it occurred to me, she’s still of the generation that believe in those expectations.

“Well one should behave in a certain way Natalie”

The patriarchy obviously has a lot of answer for with regard to this subject (‘fulfillment is found in care,’ ‘ambition is unfeminine,’ ‘the home is your kingdom’ are just a few phrases that come to mind) but so does a history steeped in class and an elite education system that emphasises hierarchy and rank.

How often have you felt that anger has been reframed as hysteria, directness is construed as rudeness or confidence as arrogance? Social shame and embarrassment are the queues that keep us all in check. More often than not it’s a way to make sure we don’t challenge people or their ways of thinking.

Let’s take ‘respect your elders’ - does that mean EVERY elder. The one’s who’ve killed someone, the cruel ones, the stingy ones, the nosey ones. Surely behaviour earns respect, not age?

Yes, i have written this to get it off my chest, but also because i really want to take more note of the many times I still let this slide. I don’t want to ‘know my place.’ I want to keep finding new places where I constantly evolve and feel like i’m on the edge of discovering something exciting.